Along the Monroe-d: A Hobbit Parody

Chapter Seven: Happy Snaps

  The mountains, as mountains will often decide to be, were cold, and wet, and blustery and in short just not at all pleasant. The travellers complained bitterly without stopping as soon as they set foot on the first incline. Even the ever-happy likes of Hayley and Sierra were now irate and miserable. And then came the last straw.
  "Stone giants!" Dahvie yelled, as a rock struck him on the head.
  "No!" Jayy said as he looked through the rock's trajectory to see the perpetrator. "Chavs!"
  "Fucking run!" Billie-Joe roared and for once no one questioned the order.
  The fifteen of them bolted along the cliff path, followed by a barrage of rocks and shouts of such insults as "what is you?"
  "Look! A cave!" P!nk yelled after a timeless amount of running. "Safe shelter!"
  They all ran into the cave. It was dry and cosy and didn't seem to go back too far.
  "We'll stay here until morning," Jayy said. "The Chavs should hopefully be gone by then."
  Everyone agreed this was a jolly good idea and set up camp. Jayy used magic to dry them all off, because that is a good idea which most wizards don't really think of, and then they settled down to sleep under the blankets they'd taken from the German's lair, after a dinner of Jamie Dodgers and Custard Creams the tea lady had supplied them with.
  What seemed like hours later, Dahvie was awoken by a banging noise. When he had made sure it wasn't coming from any of the makeshift beds, he listened harder and found it was originating from the back of the cave. He was lying closest to Fun Ghoul, so shook him awake.
  "There's a noise coming from the back of the cave," he whispered sharply in the dark.
  Frank was silent for a minute, listening. "And you're sure it's not CC and Hayley?"
  "No, Hayley's behind you."
  "Hi guys," Hayley hissed from Frank's shoulder. The Killjoy jumped, and then glared at the small ginger. "What's that banging?"
  "That's what we were wondering," Dahvie shrugged.
  Hayley paused, her thoughtful expression wasted in the darkness. "It could be Johnny and Joey."
  "That's terrifying," Patrick mumbled, sitting up from the pile of blankets on the other side of Dahvie and rubbing his eyes.
  "I know," Hayley chirruped.
  The banging got louder and there was now the definite sound of gruff voices from behind the rock wall. Humour forgotten, Dahvie, Frank, Hayley and Patrick clung together, eyes wide and frightened, as everyone around slept on. Then, suddenly, the rock at the back split open, and out poured the goblins.
  "Those are not fucking goblins," Johnny groaned sleepily, before the full situation hit him.
  Technically, Johnny was right. What came from the mountain side were…well…sunset strip hair metal rejects would probably be the best way to describe them without going into too much detail. But they're the closest things to goblins we could afford.
  Before even the great Wizard Von could do anything to save the situation, the hair metal mountain dwellers grabbed both him and his vertically challenged entourage and carried them down, down, down into the inner heart of the mountains. As they went, they sang songs in their deep, gravelly voices which sounded suspiciously like Billy Idol.
  At last, they seemed to reach their destination. It was a throne room, carved from the inside of the mountain in one piece, throne and all. This was empty, but beside it, in front of a hall filled with sunset strippers, stood a tall, thin man. Black makeup covered him much the way it did the four fake midgets of our troop of heroes and he was dressed very similarly too; only his hair was different, short and spiky, making his sharp features jut out. He stared at the fifteen captives as they were dropped to the ground. He frowned.
  "Where the hell have you four been?"
  Ashley stood up, properly on his feet, and dusted himself off. "Quite a welcome home you arranged for us here."
  Jinxx was next to rise. "We were kidnapped by a tall homosexual…sort of like when we joined BVB."
  "Oh that's so funny," Andy rolled his eyes.
  Jake grabbed onto a goblin beside him, and pulled himself up. "Oh gods my knees," he groaned, trying to rub feeling back into his legs. "What's with the home coming committee Biersack? I think we deserve a little better than that."
  "I didn't know it was you guys! All I knew was it was trespassers. You four went off on a scouting mission weeks ago and never came back," Andy crossed his arms and huffed. "You left me in charge of Nikki. I could have died!"
  "We could've been dead for all you knew," Ashley shot back. "I love the worry it obviously caused you. Where is the King anyway?"
  "Indulging in his favourite pastime," Andy rolled his eyes. "I love the guy, but I may as well be the Goblin King at this rate. Never has a Hand had to do so much."
  "Unless it's Ashley's right hand!" Sandra yelled from the middle of the crowd. Ashley's face went the colour of beetroot and he shrank off to the side.
  Andy looked around. "Where's Chris?"
  "Here," CC waddled forward, still on his knees.
  "Dude, you can get up now," Jake told him.
  "No," CC shook his head. "If I get up now I will never be able to get back down again."
  "That's what she said..."
  "Again?" Andy asked, raising a triangular eyebrow.
  "Yes," Jayy strode forward. "I need to them to make up numbers. I can't leave them with the goblins for the rest of this parody."
  The Hand of the King glared down at the wizard. "They're goblins. Not dwarves."
  "Oh my, that is hot," Jayy gasped quietly. Andy lost his fierce composure and his face settled into reflecting how scarred he was by that last comment.
  "Andy! Who's there?" called a voice from behind the throne. Before Andy could answer, Nikki Sixx, the Goblin King, emerged.
  "Oh!" he exclaimed as he glanced about the new editions to his hall. "Hmm…they're all quite photogenic aren't they? Who are they?"
  "Comrades of the Wizard Von, sire," Andy said formally, standing to attention. "Apparently four of our men have joined him."
  "Oh it's CC, hi CC!" Nikki called.
  "Hi Nikki!" CC called back happily before sticking his tongue out at Jake.
  "Bloody favouritism…"  
  Billie-Joe, sensing far more good vibes from the King than his irritating right hand man, stepped forward. "Oh great Goblin King, I am Billie-Joe Armstrong, King for a Day. My people and I need to travel through your lands to get ours and reclaim our birth right. We meant no harm in trespassing and would be eternally grateful if you let us pass."
  King Nikki closed his eyes and looked thoughtful for a moment or two. Everyone in the hall leaned in closer, waiting for the verdict.
  Eventually, Nikki said "I will let you pass on one condition."
  "What is that, oh King?" Billie asked, getting ready to act as though giving up his four black clad knee-walkers was a terrible price.
  "Will you let me do a photo shoot with you?" Nikki asked, holding up the camera that rested around his neck. "Only you all are very photogenic."
  Billie was quite taken aback. "I, uh…I guess? Ok…"
  "Excellent! This way, this way," Nikki gestured and led them behind his throne to a makeshift studio. Andy followed, face-palming all the way.
  Soon Jayy, Billie-Joe, Dahvie, Fun Ghoul, Patrick, P!nk, Hayley, Sierra, Sandra, Joey and Johnny all found themselves being modelled in various scenarios while CC, Ashley, Jake and Jinxx chatted with an exasperated Andy and King Nikki danced around taking hundreds of shots from different angles.
  Then, disaster struck.
  Nikki decided he wanted a picture of Hayley mostly naked holding Jayy's sword. Hayley agreed, which pleased CC a great deal. Frank had, until now, been holding Jayy's sword. As he ran to give it to Hayley, Ashley shoved CC in a gesture of friendly violence. Unfortunately, Frank tripped over the sprawling drummer and as he fell he accidentally rammed the sword through the Goblin King.
  Everyone stared in horror as the photographer choked on his own blood, dying on the ground. When he'd let out his final death cry, their gaze shifted to each other.
  "THEY KILLED THE GOBLIN KING!" screamed Andy suddenly, seizing the chance to do things his way.
  "Biersack you asshole!" Ashley yelled.
  At once, the hair metal goblins converged upon them once more. Seeing no way of winning in a fight, and not being the bravest souls, the fifteen fled. Jayy, with his reclaimed bloody sword and his staff, black and white markings back in their place on his face, cleared a small path of root-boosted corpses they scurried through. No one even stopped to tell the four should-be goblins to stay or get on their knees. Indeed, when it became clear Dahvie couldn't keep up Jinxx grabbed him and put him on his shoulders to quicken the escape.
  They were almost at the opening when a goblin grabbed Jinxx from behind. He jumped and in the process dropped Dahvie. The hairdresser rolled head-over-heels into the darkness, as his friends escaped without him, not noticing when he disappeared even from the eyes of goblins. Finally, in the darkness, he cracked his head on a rock, and knew no more.